Being Selfish
by similbus
Summary: Garrus and Shepard had a short talk about the events in Horizon.


_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the galaxy in which they're in._

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><p>The briefing room was silent except for the AI's synthetic voice running down the information gathered in Horizon. The Commander, who usually gave the debriefing, was leaning on the farthest corner of the room: arms crossed and eyes cast down. The rest of her face was hidden in shadows but Garrus knew Shepard enough to know that she should not be disturbed. Even the Cerberus operatives, usually arguing with each other during debriefs, were trying their best to avoid the shadow where the Commander was. As if they felt too that she should not be disturbed.<p>

"Survivors are taken back to the Citadel by the remaining Alliance soldiers," the AI continued. "I have tracked down a message signal from Commander Alenko's ship informing the Council that Cerberus is not behind the abductions."

"That should get them off our back," Miranda murmured. "For now."

"Shepard," the AI continued. "I suggest that we continue looking at the dossiers the Illusive Man has given. If we encounter the Collectors again, we may need numbers to defend the colonists."

There was a moment's pause before Shepard shifted from her position. "Where do we begin?"

"I suggest going to the Citadel," the AI replied.

"Tell Joker to make for the Citadel." Shepard walked out from the shadow then nodded at her crew. "Everyone, dismissed."

One by one, the crew left the briefing room. Garrus was about to leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Go to my cabin," Shepard ordered. "We need to talk."

Garrus watched the Commander leave. Judging by her tone, he was not given any options to refuse. He wondered what he had done wrong. True he had been running calibrations with the ship's guns which, at one time, caused them to fire at a passing freight. But the freight had turned out to be a slaver's ship and it ended quite well for the slaves kept in its cargo (but not so much for the batarian slavers). He had also received complaints from the engineers when he tested the guns and almost caused the engines to overheat. It had been a mistake on his part-forgetting to install a cooling device-but it had been resolved.

No use wondering here, Garrus thought. He sighed and made his way to the elevator.

It was the first time Garrus entered the Captain's cabin. It was a huge room-probably made even larger by the blue lights in the empty fish tank. Back in the old Normandy, the cabin was more a bunker than a place to rest-filled with only the necessities of a solder: a hard bed, a desk, a computer, and a locker for weapons. But in this cabin was complete with aesthetically pleasing but useless furniture; and looking at the armors and guns laying on the bed and the couch, the Commander seemed to agree.

The Commander was standing by the desk. On the desk was the Commander's computer, some datapad, and a picture of Lieutenant-Commander Alenko. This the Commander took and placed face down on the top shelf, beside the empty glass cage.

"You wanted to talk?" Garrus said as he entered the room.

Shepard did not say anything but continued to move things on her desk. It did not seemed like she was cleaning up. Rather, it looked like she was just doing it for the sake of doing something. It made Garrus feel uneasy.

"Tell me something Garrus." Shepard said after some time. She turned towards Garrus but did not look at him, but rather at his feet. "How long was two years?"

Garrus was silent. He did not understand the question lest know how to answer it. He told this to Shepard. The Commander looked up with eyes that reminded Garrus of the humans in Omega-lost and hopeless.

"Everything has changed. The galaxy. Tali. You. And him." At this the Commander sighed and looked away again. "It has only been months since I'm awake and I'm starting to think that I woke up in another's life."

Garrus wondered how many have seen Shepard like this: the first human Spectre, the one who defeated Sovereign and save the galaxy from the Reapers now looked like any other human, helpless while being crushed by her own emotions. Kaidan had probably seen the Commander like this-she seemed different around him. Garrus wondered what he had done.

Garrus waited for her to continue but Shepard just stood there, looking at a distance he cannot fathom. She was probably looking back, he thought, looking at a life that was cut short. He tried to remember that life as well but it seemed long ago, like the life in the old Normandy was lived by another and his past was that of his dead comrades and betrayals.

"It was hard, Shepard," Garrus said tentatively and wondered if it was the right words. He understood what Shepard was going through but he did not know how to comfort her. How could I, Garrus thought, when I cannot even comfort myself?

"This was not the life I wanted but it was given to me. I will have to continue-even without him." Shepard was still looking at a distance and she was talking more to herself than to Garrus. "Still, it would've been nice to be with everyone again. It would make me feel as if my death and Cerberus did not happen."

"You should've asked him to come with us," Garrus said. "He would've-"

"He won't." Shepard straightened up and shook her head slightly, as if shrugging off the remainder of her thoughts. "Besides, that would be too selfish of me."

"You have done many things for others at the expense of yourself. I think you've earned to be selfish once in a while."

At this, Shepard smiled. It was not the smile Garrus was accustomed to-he had seen her smile whenever they survive a battle or whenever she threatened someone (a smile he never wanted to be directed to him). It was not unpleasant but it made Garrus uneasy-as if some emotions that had always been there were stirring inside him, waking him up.

"Yes, well, I will consider that," Shepard said. "Thank you, Garrus. For listening."

Garrus watched as the Commander made her way to the couch and started cleaning her pistol. She looked like herself again, if not more at peace than when he first saw her again at Omega. Somehow, she seemed to have come to an understanding through their brief conversation but Garrus was left confused, if not uneasy. The feelings waking up inside of him were new-alien-and he did not like it. Now, more than ever, he wished he was back on a Turian warship where feelings were nothing more than an urge to bash someone's head against the wall.

"Shepard, why...this?" Garrus gestured at the room, hoping she would understand what he meant. When the Commander looked at him questioningly, he added. "Why tell me this?"

"Had to talk about it to someone. Someone I can trust." She smiled again-the smile that made Garrus uneasy. "Just think of this as me being selfish."

Although Garrus nodded, he was still confused. He left the cabin and went straight to the batteries. He fumbled at his datapad for a few minutes before giving up. He realized he could not do any work, not while thinking of other things. He put down his datapad and made his way to the med bay to ask Dr. Chakwas for some of her brandy. The next time she asked to talk, Garrus said to himself, I'm telling her I'm busy making calibrations.

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><p><em>AN: My first fanfic in a very very veerrry long time so forgive me if I'm rusty. I just thought I should give Shepard some time to absorb what happened in Horizon. Also probably leading to more GarrusShepard fics in the future but, well, who knows. _


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